Journalist John Leland spent a year learning life lessons from the 'oldest old' (aged 85+) for his book Happiness Is a Choice You Make: Lessons from a Year Among the Oldest Old. There were some deceptively simple findings (including the importance of gratitude, strong relationships, and purpose) but I particularly liked this one, about the difference between 'happy in spite of' and 'happy if only':
'Gerontologists consider the tendency to sustain mixed feelings, rather than try to resolve them, as a component of elder wisdom, a recognition that life doesn’t have to be all good to be good, and also that it never will be. Troubles are always with us, and getting rid of this one or that won’t make us happy; it’ll just move another hardship to the head of the class. Karl Pillemer of Cornell makes the distinction between “happy in spite of” and “happy if only,” the former being a benefit of old age, the latter a vexation of youth. “Happy in spite of” entails a choice to be happy; it acknowledges problems but doesn’t put them in the way of contentment. “Happy if only” pins happiness on outside circumstances: if only I had more money, less pain, a nicer spouse or house, I’d be happy as a clam… Fulfillment need not be what’s just around the corner. In the end, wisdom lies in finding it in the imperfect now.'
Words to live by.
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